A Purpose and a little bit of Faith

 

If Faith is believing, then I believe. If believing is to have Faith, then I have Faith. I believe my journey is for a reason, a reason yet unknown to me completely. I have Faith that God will lead me.

 I'm not sure why God chose to make this my journey. For months, I really didn't think He cared. I questioned Him, I questioned my belief in Him, I questioned my Faith upon which I was raised. Why would God put someone through this? I mean really, what have I done to deserve this hurt? What didn't I do? What do I do wrong? His answer.... Finally, was " Nothing." Nothing? Really, Lord, is that all? Nothing? If you know me at all, you know I'm a little impatient. And I am no different when it comes to me talking to my Savior!

 I am not gonna "rehash" my situation. Most of you know it and this post isn't about the situation. So with that being said.... Back to what I was saying. It took me a long time to confront God about my situation. And mainly when I first confronted Him, it was more questions than praying the nice little prayers people think you should pray. Then a point came a few months ago where the questions ran out and my heart fell silent for the first time and I heard finally His answer of " Nothing." I didn't do anything wrong. It wasn't something I said or did. It was beyond my control but it now is part of my story. In the stillness of my heart and quiet answers He began revealing His purpose for my journey.

 I finally, fighting Him and my best friend Janna, tooth and nail, I went back to Wiregrass Church. Nerves shot and tears flowed. I remember sitting there crying, my heart screaming for Him. This place, this moment is right where I needed to be. To drop my burdens, to leave the cold heart there, to let go of the anger and hurt, to let Him fill me with His love. To seek Him in all I do, to find a new starting point, to believe, to have Faith. His purpose for my life is going to be amazing! Why wouldn't it be? He loves us all, more than we could ever imagine. Just as I know my purpose will be amazing, so will your purpose. Your journey is for a reason. He has a plan for you. Drop the pride, find your knees more often, and talk to Him. Have Faith in Him! Believe that you are worth so much more than the worldly things to Him!

Finding My Smile

There comes a time to forgive, a time to let go, a time to heal, and a time to move on.  So when is the time right for any of those? When your heart says so.  We tend to let the outside world tell us when it's appropriate to do these things. When the outside world hasn't a clue what your heart looks like or feels like. 

I have never been one to hide my emotions, you can pretty much look at me and know exactly how I feel. But I found myself hiding emotions a few months back. Letting the outside world tell me how I should act and feel in my situation. I was starting to believe that no one understood how I felt. In 29 years I have never felt the way I have in the last few months. Believing that no one would ever understand hurt just as much as the feelings themselves. I kept those feelings bottled up until one day I just crumpled. I think a couple of friends were worried. They had never heard me express the feelings that were rolling off my tongue. It was a vomit of emotions. I have never in my life felt so unwanted, unloved, so ugly, so alone, so abandoned, such a disaster. I was falling apart at the seams. Waking up wondering if anyone would ever want me for me, love me for me. 

I had already had my time to forgive or so I had thought. I had forgiven him, but not her. So that was pointless, I had not accomplished much by only forgiving one of the two. But I can now forgive her. Why? Because, I have to let go, heal, and move on.  If you have never truly forgave someone, try it. Just saying. It helps you in so many ways. 

After being stuck in all those crappy feelings, I finally made my mind up that I'm done with that. It was time to let it go and move on. I woke up one day last week for the first in weeks, with a smile on my face and truly heart happy. I realized that someone will come along when the time is right, and love me for me.  

I realize that my heart is healing, the way my heart needs too. Not the way society thinks it should. It's ok to cry, it's ok be mad, and it's ok to smile.  My heart is steadily picking up the pieces and I now know all is going to be ok. I'm glad I could find my smile. 

"A gentle word, a kind look, a good natured smile can work wonders and accomplish miracles."~ William Hazlitt

Holding a Grudge or Forgiving

I should have seen it coming, but I didn't . The truth is, it hurts like heck. A broken heart isn't an easy over night fix. To know that someone you loved so much, doesn't love you back. Knowing they chose to find someone else and mislead you for months doesn't help. But, with all the emotions of anger, hurt, betrayal, unloved and the list could go on, I have found some important life lessons in this. 

Many people want me to hold a grudge, to hate him, to take him to the cleaners, to make his life miserable, to trash him every chance I get, but that's NOT how it is going to work. That's not how it is working. Yes, people I'm hurt. Yes, I'm frustrated and no where close to being fully over this. But, here is a start, and maybe, just maybe, you can learn from it too. 

You see, now that I have had time to process what happened and where I'm headed, I see things so different than from the outside world looking in. I no longer hold a grudge, I'm working on forgiving him. Crazy, right? Nope! Unfortunately, most people I know hold a grudge against him more than I do. Which is crazier? You were not in the situation nor did you have to deal with it. People think they have the answer, but in reality they are in their " happily married bubble" or " man hater bubble" and can't give good, honest advice. Sorry, not trying to be rude.  I have had 1 person give me their opinion and it made so much sense and to that person Thank You. 

What he did was wrong. Families were destroyed. Hearts broken. But, he also was a good father, a good husband, a good friend. When everything happened people forgot all that! They forgot him. They marked him off for a lose. I am realizing I have to be the one to show how forgiving someone works. Like I said, I no longer hold a grudge. I am working on the forgiving part. You know, I could let this ruin my life, but why?! I have chose to be different and to follow my heart. I know him and I are over, but we have a precious child together that needs both of us. So, I'm following my heart, letting go of the anger and working on forgiving.