I have never been one to hide my emotions, you can pretty much look at me and know exactly how I feel. But I found myself hiding emotions a few months back. Letting the outside world tell me how I should act and feel in my situation. I was starting to believe that no one understood how I felt. In 29 years I have never felt the way I have in the last few months. Believing that no one would ever understand hurt just as much as the feelings themselves. I kept those feelings bottled up until one day I just crumpled. I think a couple of friends were worried. They had never heard me express the feelings that were rolling off my tongue. It was a vomit of emotions. I have never in my life felt so unwanted, unloved, so ugly, so alone, so abandoned, such a disaster. I was falling apart at the seams. Waking up wondering if anyone would ever want me for me, love me for me.
I had already had my time to forgive or so I had thought. I had forgiven him, but not her. So that was pointless, I had not accomplished much by only forgiving one of the two. But I can now forgive her. Why? Because, I have to let go, heal, and move on. If you have never truly forgave someone, try it. Just saying. It helps you in so many ways.
After being stuck in all those crappy feelings, I finally made my mind up that I'm done with that. It was time to let it go and move on. I woke up one day last week for the first in weeks, with a smile on my face and truly heart happy. I realized that someone will come along when the time is right, and love me for me.
I realize that my heart is healing, the way my heart needs too. Not the way society thinks it should. It's ok to cry, it's ok be mad, and it's ok to smile. My heart is steadily picking up the pieces and I now know all is going to be ok. I'm glad I could find my smile.
"A gentle word, a kind look, a good natured smile can work wonders and accomplish miracles."~ William Hazlitt
