We can't even come close to realizing what it is like to hold the whole world in our hands. We can't even imagine what it is like to hold 100 people in our hands. Our human mind won't and doesn't allow us to comprehend something so magnificent as such. But we find ourselves saying sometimes that the hands that does hold the world doesn't have time for our measly problems. Our small minds tend to lead us to believe that those hands only has time for the important stuff.
But what is and isn't important to someone is based on the person. What I might think is important and want those hands to hold and fix well you may think is a silly or even stupid request. It all solely depends on the person.
God never wants us to feel like our problems aren't big enough or important enough. Because in God's eyes we are all equally His and equally important to Him.
We all pray for the sick and those who we see that need help. Most of the people on your church prayer list are either sick or they are facing what we ALL consider a hardship. But have you ever seen someone on your prayer list and wondered why they were on there? I have. That name was my name. I was the person and I thought to myself , " Huh? Really? Why? I ain't sick and I ain't in a hardship." But someone did see the small things that I felt was important but not important to leave it with God.
We all have small important, not so important things that we tend to say a quick prayer of , " God, I know your busy but really quick let me say this...." Things that may not matter to another soul on the Earth are said and said quickly. But then we find ourselves saying that short quick prayer everyday or every night and no answer. God gives us 3 answers ( learned this years ago from a former pastor and have heard it repeatedly), He gives YES, NO, and WAIT. But let me ask this, can God answer if we don't leave the burden there with him?
We make life harder than it has to be most of the time. Especially our prayer life. We tend to pray about a certain situation or person or whatever it may be but we don't leave it in God's hands for Him to take care of it. We leave it there while we pray but when we finish talking with God we pack it back up and keep a hold of it. We really do put more stress on ourselves than we should. God wants to help but He can't if we won't let go and won't let Him take control. I have heard people say, " Oh but I left it in God's hands." Well if you did then you wouldn't be so worried and you wouldn't be walking around with that on your mind and in your heart. Leaving a prayer with God is like leaving your sins and burdens at the altar. You have heard pastors say, " Leave your burdens here at the altar, let God take those burdens from you." We have all heard a pastor or two say that. But God can't take a burden if we won't let go. Just like He can't answer a prayer that we won't release to Him.
I learned a lot about praying from my Daddy. I have watched my daddy grow into the Godly man he is today. We all have a testimony but to hear my daddy talk about praying and the way he would pray just got to me. I remember I use to question how my daddy never worried over anything. He would always say and still has to remind me today that, " When you pray to God about it you got to leave it with Him." Daddy would always say to me that God is gonna take care of it you just got to let Him. I have learned to pray like my daddy. A prayer that is always left with God is one less worry on my heart.
We will never fully comprehend the hands that hold the world. But those hands can hold every prayer from everyone. A family's prayer for a life to be saved, a child's prayer for the lost dog to come home, your prayer for a healthy newborn, anothers prayer for the right soul mate, anothers for the sun to shine and even one's prayer for their favorite football team to win. You know it's amazing when you see a prayer answered. For an example, Lee's little sister Emily prayed for months that their dog Toby would come home. He had went missing and I guess most of us thought he was gone for good. But that honest sincere prayer she prayed every night for literally months was answered. I still remember Lee telling me that Toby was back. It was the craziest thing. But I remember Kim telling us that Emily prayed every night for Toby to come home. Oh what we can learn from a child.
The hands that hold the world can hold any prayer if we just let them. Letting go isn't easy but when we do prayers are answered.
Tuesday, November 29, 2011
Monday, November 28, 2011
Family
Family. That word has weighed on my mind for days now. I found myself one night last week praying for God to help me with this word. So I don't really know where this blog is headed tonight.
My family means the world to me. If it wasn't for my family then I would not have made it through somethings as good as I did. If you ever want to know what unconditional love is turn around and look at your family. My family has loved me at my best and at my worst. That unconditional love held on to me when I didn't want to be held on too. That unconditional love looked me in the eyes and said "You are gonna be okay! WE are not going anywhere."
At some point in each of our lives we have taken our family for granted. As teenagers, we think that we know more than they do and that our family is out to just ground us for everything under the sun. We rebelled, we argued, and we ran from that unconditional love. We let someone else tell us that family wasn't important. That all we needed was our friends and so called friends. But when the truth came out and we thought we would be standing alone who was standing with us? Family.
God gave us a certain family because He knew that is who we needed to be with. He knew that that family would love and support us no matter what. Help us in time of need and cheer us on in our biggest race.
I use to think God blessed me with extremely strict parents. But you know hind sight is 20/20. I am thankful for those extremely strict parents. I thought I was a good child but when I look back, good Lord knows I was a handful.
I have my own little family now, that I am working putting the pieces back together. I have realized through this that family can beat all odds when they stick together.
Family. I will have another blog on this soon I hope. I feel like there is a little more to say.
My family means the world to me. If it wasn't for my family then I would not have made it through somethings as good as I did. If you ever want to know what unconditional love is turn around and look at your family. My family has loved me at my best and at my worst. That unconditional love held on to me when I didn't want to be held on too. That unconditional love looked me in the eyes and said "You are gonna be okay! WE are not going anywhere."
At some point in each of our lives we have taken our family for granted. As teenagers, we think that we know more than they do and that our family is out to just ground us for everything under the sun. We rebelled, we argued, and we ran from that unconditional love. We let someone else tell us that family wasn't important. That all we needed was our friends and so called friends. But when the truth came out and we thought we would be standing alone who was standing with us? Family.
God gave us a certain family because He knew that is who we needed to be with. He knew that that family would love and support us no matter what. Help us in time of need and cheer us on in our biggest race.
I use to think God blessed me with extremely strict parents. But you know hind sight is 20/20. I am thankful for those extremely strict parents. I thought I was a good child but when I look back, good Lord knows I was a handful.
I have my own little family now, that I am working putting the pieces back together. I have realized through this that family can beat all odds when they stick together.
Family. I will have another blog on this soon I hope. I feel like there is a little more to say.
Tuesday, November 22, 2011
Forgive and Forget, Can you?
The unknown is so scary. Not knowing what will happen seems to consume us sometimes. We dwell on the past and worry about the future. I remember the days in my life when I was the biggest worry wart you ever met. But I remember also being that person that dwelled on the past too. I held on to things. I held grudges and couldn't let them go.My theory use to be, " If you hurt me in the past why do you deserve to be in the future?" That saying went for everything from boyfriends to friends to family even. I still remember the first time that I genuinely forgave someone. I remember forgiving and forgetting. I can honestly say that I forgot what I was forgiving them for. I have had that happen several times to me. So I took it as a life lesson. I thought I should learn from it.
It's extremely hard for me to comprehend how God can forgive and forget our sins! How amazing is that. We as humans can remember what someone done to us 20 or 30 years ago and still hold the grudge for it. We sure missed the boat on this big time. God forgives and he forgets. We forgive and almost never forget. For Him to forget is truly amazing. I mean I forget to take the trash to the road or to turn a light off but to forgive and forget the sin or the hurt/reason/incident is just breathe taking. That's where I find myself wanting to be more like God. I wanna be able to forgive and forget.
Forgiving and forgetting go hand in hand with second chances. I mean really think about it... How can someone have a second chance if we haven't forgiven them or if we hang it over their head because we haven't forgotten. Pride is a huge factor in this forgiving and forgetting issue too. Some of us have a hard time letting our pride fall. So if you are reading this and you are one who your pride is to important well you are probably getting all fired up at me right now. Ready to let me have it. Guess what loose the pride!!! Pride causes a lot of issues. Because of pride there are people that will not apologize for their actions. I personally know someone like this. I have never heard him apologize. And there have been plenty of times that he should have.
With Lee and I working on our relationship and piecing things back together we both have learned the whole pride and forgiving and forgetting thing. With out forgiving and forgetting we wouldn't be able to mend our relationship. The past is the past for a reason. Don't look back cause you can't change it. But look forward to making the future even better. We both have learned from mistakes and take those life lessons with us to help us in the future.
Many times people find themselves forgiving someone but still walking around hanging on to what that person did to them. Wow if I did that do you know I would have a broke back trying to carry around all the situations in my life like that. Who has time for that? I mean really come on folks. Who has a heart that wants to go through that. I sure don't.
I probably have one of the most tender hearts ever. I use to cry about everything and everything use to get to me in a matter of seconds. I have toughened up some but still got the tenderness. When I realized that first time that I had really and truly forgave and forgotten, it made me glad and I didn't feel like I had to walk around with a burden on my heart. If you have ever felt this way you know it is a wonderful feeling.
The older I have gotten ( not that I am old by any means) the more moments I have had like that. Some of it I believe comes with growing up and maturing. Granted some people will never grow up and mature. But we can definitely pray for them. I still struggle with a few forgiving and forgetting situations now. Things that left some bad scares. I am working on myself to forgive and forget and I know in time it will happen because that's just how my God works.
We all can probably work on the forgiving and forgetting parts of our hearts. No one is perfect. We all make mistakes and we all want to be forgiven of those mistakes. So we should start by forgiving others and be an example so that when it comes time for someone to forgive you, they see your example and learn from it so that they are able to truly forgive you and forget the mistake.
If you struggle with pride maybe you should sit back and examine things. Just remember it's great to have pride in your job, in your family, and to take pride in yourself. BUT there is an line that shouldn't be crossed. A lot of crossed that line and think no wrong but that's when your pride because a problem.
Just I hope all of this makes sense. My heart has been jumping all around. So many things I want to share and write. I just have to get them out one thing at a time.
It's extremely hard for me to comprehend how God can forgive and forget our sins! How amazing is that. We as humans can remember what someone done to us 20 or 30 years ago and still hold the grudge for it. We sure missed the boat on this big time. God forgives and he forgets. We forgive and almost never forget. For Him to forget is truly amazing. I mean I forget to take the trash to the road or to turn a light off but to forgive and forget the sin or the hurt/reason/incident is just breathe taking. That's where I find myself wanting to be more like God. I wanna be able to forgive and forget.
Forgiving and forgetting go hand in hand with second chances. I mean really think about it... How can someone have a second chance if we haven't forgiven them or if we hang it over their head because we haven't forgotten. Pride is a huge factor in this forgiving and forgetting issue too. Some of us have a hard time letting our pride fall. So if you are reading this and you are one who your pride is to important well you are probably getting all fired up at me right now. Ready to let me have it. Guess what loose the pride!!! Pride causes a lot of issues. Because of pride there are people that will not apologize for their actions. I personally know someone like this. I have never heard him apologize. And there have been plenty of times that he should have.
With Lee and I working on our relationship and piecing things back together we both have learned the whole pride and forgiving and forgetting thing. With out forgiving and forgetting we wouldn't be able to mend our relationship. The past is the past for a reason. Don't look back cause you can't change it. But look forward to making the future even better. We both have learned from mistakes and take those life lessons with us to help us in the future.
Many times people find themselves forgiving someone but still walking around hanging on to what that person did to them. Wow if I did that do you know I would have a broke back trying to carry around all the situations in my life like that. Who has time for that? I mean really come on folks. Who has a heart that wants to go through that. I sure don't.
I probably have one of the most tender hearts ever. I use to cry about everything and everything use to get to me in a matter of seconds. I have toughened up some but still got the tenderness. When I realized that first time that I had really and truly forgave and forgotten, it made me glad and I didn't feel like I had to walk around with a burden on my heart. If you have ever felt this way you know it is a wonderful feeling.
The older I have gotten ( not that I am old by any means) the more moments I have had like that. Some of it I believe comes with growing up and maturing. Granted some people will never grow up and mature. But we can definitely pray for them. I still struggle with a few forgiving and forgetting situations now. Things that left some bad scares. I am working on myself to forgive and forget and I know in time it will happen because that's just how my God works.
We all can probably work on the forgiving and forgetting parts of our hearts. No one is perfect. We all make mistakes and we all want to be forgiven of those mistakes. So we should start by forgiving others and be an example so that when it comes time for someone to forgive you, they see your example and learn from it so that they are able to truly forgive you and forget the mistake.
If you struggle with pride maybe you should sit back and examine things. Just remember it's great to have pride in your job, in your family, and to take pride in yourself. BUT there is an line that shouldn't be crossed. A lot of crossed that line and think no wrong but that's when your pride because a problem.
Just I hope all of this makes sense. My heart has been jumping all around. So many things I want to share and write. I just have to get them out one thing at a time.
Sunday, November 20, 2011
The work family
We all see our co-workers and boss as much if not more than our own families. That usually happens for me during the summer peak season at Sanders Beach Rentals. But do you consider them (co-workers and boss) a work family?
Some of you probably said "NO" faster than you could blink. I am sorry that you can't say that. Unfortunately, alot of people say no to this question. I use to say no back before this job with Sanders Beach Rentals. Now I can answer "YES" to this question. I do consider them family.
If you know me, I become attached to people very easily. I use to be shy too! Not so much anymore. I am one of the most honest up front people you will ever meet now. Please don't think I am rudely honest. I try my best not to be that way. But sometimes I have to be. I always wanted to be this way but use to worry about what people would say. But my "work family" helped me come out of my shell.
When I started working with Sanders Beach Rentals in March of 2010 I was a walking desaster. I was having a diffcult time expressing myself. Between the loss of my grandad, trying to be super mom, and going through a divorce my feeling and expressing myself just wasn't an option. Until... The 2 most important people in my "work family" started working on me. They actually seemed to care about the things going on in my life. I could be open with them and not have to worry about them judging me. Because that was the furtherest thing from their mind. I began to quickly realize that not only did I have a good job but good hearted people to work with and to work for. ( Those type people are hard to come by these days. Most are out to use you to climb to the top of the ladder.) Both Ms. Connie and Mr. Steve are happily married to the loves of their life. But when it came to me talking about my divorce they would be some of the most encouraging people in my life. They didn't understand why I was feeling the way I was some days but all they knew was how to show love and support to me. They knew patience too! There have been days when I would just be crying and sweet Connie would cry with me and just hug me. Days when I was mad hehe...she would be mad with me. Mr. Steve would give advice and encouragement that would make me realize something different everytime. Some people don't understand how things "operate" at Sanders Beach Rentals. Some people can't grasp the fact this is a family owned company and well we are all like family. They taught me its okay to have ideas and to get them out so others can hear. I have also learned it is great to show your ideas but if its not the right one for the situation thats okay too.
My "work family" is the best. I wouldn't trade them for the world. They have taught me much more than beach rentals, they have taught me how to be open and honest without being ugly, I have learned to be a better "cheerleader"/encourager, to be the absolute best I can be and be happy with myself, to be a better person, and the most important... to help others.
Mr. Steve is the most willing human I know to help someone else. Ms. Connie is right behind him with that too. Gosh, I learned from them quickly about helping others. They have helped me and I have watched them help others for almost 2 years now. Helping isn't always an extravagent thing but who said it had to be.
God has a funny way of working things out. I thank Him everyday for not only my job but my "work family" too. God blesses us with certain people in our life. He put them in our life for a reason. It may take a while for you to figure out why but when you do the amount of love and respect for those people will grow more and more. The devil places people too. So be aware of your surroundings. Weed through the good and bad. You may loose people you didn't expect too but then gain those you didn't expect either.
If you are struggling with your "work family" then I pray things get better. Some of you are in the corporate world where a "work family" isn't possible. I am truly sorry. I pray that God gives you strength and gives you courage. Courage to be the 1st generation that takes a stand. To work toward your "work family" coming together. Please don't take that as a statement to overthrow your boss!!! That's NOT what I mean. You know what I mean!!
If you feel like your in the wrong job then maybe you should start praying for God to lead you to the right one. I didn't think I would like my job and thought I would be a banker for the rest of my life. Boy was I wrong! I love my job and I will always be a part of the family at Sanders Beach Rentals.
Thanks Sanders Beach Rentals for the life lessons! :)
Some of you probably said "NO" faster than you could blink. I am sorry that you can't say that. Unfortunately, alot of people say no to this question. I use to say no back before this job with Sanders Beach Rentals. Now I can answer "YES" to this question. I do consider them family.
If you know me, I become attached to people very easily. I use to be shy too! Not so much anymore. I am one of the most honest up front people you will ever meet now. Please don't think I am rudely honest. I try my best not to be that way. But sometimes I have to be. I always wanted to be this way but use to worry about what people would say. But my "work family" helped me come out of my shell.
When I started working with Sanders Beach Rentals in March of 2010 I was a walking desaster. I was having a diffcult time expressing myself. Between the loss of my grandad, trying to be super mom, and going through a divorce my feeling and expressing myself just wasn't an option. Until... The 2 most important people in my "work family" started working on me. They actually seemed to care about the things going on in my life. I could be open with them and not have to worry about them judging me. Because that was the furtherest thing from their mind. I began to quickly realize that not only did I have a good job but good hearted people to work with and to work for. ( Those type people are hard to come by these days. Most are out to use you to climb to the top of the ladder.) Both Ms. Connie and Mr. Steve are happily married to the loves of their life. But when it came to me talking about my divorce they would be some of the most encouraging people in my life. They didn't understand why I was feeling the way I was some days but all they knew was how to show love and support to me. They knew patience too! There have been days when I would just be crying and sweet Connie would cry with me and just hug me. Days when I was mad hehe...she would be mad with me. Mr. Steve would give advice and encouragement that would make me realize something different everytime. Some people don't understand how things "operate" at Sanders Beach Rentals. Some people can't grasp the fact this is a family owned company and well we are all like family. They taught me its okay to have ideas and to get them out so others can hear. I have also learned it is great to show your ideas but if its not the right one for the situation thats okay too.
My "work family" is the best. I wouldn't trade them for the world. They have taught me much more than beach rentals, they have taught me how to be open and honest without being ugly, I have learned to be a better "cheerleader"/encourager, to be the absolute best I can be and be happy with myself, to be a better person, and the most important... to help others.
Mr. Steve is the most willing human I know to help someone else. Ms. Connie is right behind him with that too. Gosh, I learned from them quickly about helping others. They have helped me and I have watched them help others for almost 2 years now. Helping isn't always an extravagent thing but who said it had to be.
God has a funny way of working things out. I thank Him everyday for not only my job but my "work family" too. God blesses us with certain people in our life. He put them in our life for a reason. It may take a while for you to figure out why but when you do the amount of love and respect for those people will grow more and more. The devil places people too. So be aware of your surroundings. Weed through the good and bad. You may loose people you didn't expect too but then gain those you didn't expect either.
If you are struggling with your "work family" then I pray things get better. Some of you are in the corporate world where a "work family" isn't possible. I am truly sorry. I pray that God gives you strength and gives you courage. Courage to be the 1st generation that takes a stand. To work toward your "work family" coming together. Please don't take that as a statement to overthrow your boss!!! That's NOT what I mean. You know what I mean!!
If you feel like your in the wrong job then maybe you should start praying for God to lead you to the right one. I didn't think I would like my job and thought I would be a banker for the rest of my life. Boy was I wrong! I love my job and I will always be a part of the family at Sanders Beach Rentals.
Thanks Sanders Beach Rentals for the life lessons! :)
Friday, November 18, 2011
12 years later...
We all face situations that affect us, impact us, or change us. These situations are not always the happiest situations that turn our life around. Sometimes the worst situations get our attention the most.
12 years ago on November 17th the worst situation I have ever had to face happened. Nanny's ( my dad's mother) birthday is November 17th. She would have been 78 this year. Hard to believe that it is been 12 years since the accident.
November 17, 1999- I was a freshman in high school sitting in my biology class. I remember a lot of students were being called to the office about something they had done. I don't remember what but I remember thinking "I don't have anything to do with what is going on but boy do I wish I would be called out of class." I was so bored that morning. It was a Wednesday morning. Then I heard the office buzz in to the class I was in and ask my teacher to send me to the office. Immediately my heart fell, why was I being called up to the office? What had I done?
When I got to the office, Mrs. Crawford the school secretary told me to go back to my class get my belongs and that my parents, both of them, were on their way to get me. I knew immediately something was very wrong. I thought to myself and even said something to a friend when I got back in class and gathering my things, " It must be my great- grandmother. She hasn't been doing well." I remember as I turned the corner my parents came through those double doors with fear and panic written all over their face.
Nanny had been in a wreck and things were bad, really bad. At that moment, I remember crying and the whole world seem to stop. I remember the bell had rang for recess and people trying to talk but we literally were running to the car.
I remember moma dropped daddy and me off at the ER and we were quickly met by a male nurse telling us she was in emergency surgery due to head injury. We were given a bag with all her belongs to hang on too.
She had ran a stop sign that morning around 7 or so. A Jeep running 55 to 60 MPH hit her on her side of the car. Her head hitting the review mirror or the steering wheel.
I remember when Donna, my cousin, she is like my daddy's sister though , arrived. We all waited to hear what the doctor would say after surgery. We were so anxious to see Nanny. Please remember is was 14 years old approaching my 15th birthday less than two weeks from that day.
I remember us sitting at this round table. Mom, dad, Donna, me and the doctor. He was talking all jibberish until he said, "If it would have been my mother, I would not have done the surgery." Say WHAT?? Doc have you lost your mind?? Really? I remember getting so angry with him. He basically sat there and said he would just let her die. Due to the situation, after the surgery she was on life support for 72 hours, that was required before any decisions could be made about the next step.
We talked about a nursing home, which I had my hopes up that she would bounce back because if you knew Sybil nothing ever got her down. :) Full of Life!!!
I went to school the next two days. On Friday when I got to the hospital, Daddy took me to a little waiting room away from the ICU waiting room where everyone else was. We talked about the fact that she had always been so full of life and now she had no brain activity at all. She was in a complete veggiative state. Daddy asked if I had remembered her one request if something ever happened to her. And I sadly replied Yes, she never wanted to be on life support or hooked up to any machines. She didn't want to be that way she would rather just go on to be with the Lord.
With that being said, the doctor said that we had to make a decision. And as much as I can remember the doctor wouldn't take just daddy's decision but it had to be mine. Something about the closest relatives, since daddy was an only child. ( I think that's right). I just know we had to agree or the doctor wouldn't do anything.
For a 14 year old, your hardest decision should be what to wear to school for pictures, not to remove your grandmother from life support. Deep down I knew what she had always said. I even joked that she might haunt us if we didn't do what she wanted. But all joking aside, i fell to pieces knowing that I was gonna lose one of the closest people to me. I had spent every afternoon with her for years and had spent the night with her every other weekend for almost my whole life. And we had taken multiple road trips together. I still regret not taking the last she wanted though. I should have went but how was I to know what was ahead.
The next day was the day that the life support would be turned off. The staff and doctors at Flowers Hospital were awesome. Usually if you have someone in ICU you can only visit at certain times. Knowing the situation all nurses and doctors allowed us in freely and for as long as we wanted to stay. I went in and out but never could stay long. Because I wanted so bad for her to wake up and stick her tongue out at us and laugh. But I knew that wasn't going to happen. Daddy stayed by her side most of the day. Family and friends gathered for support.
I remember Adam, Austin and myself wouldn't hardly go in the unit. We stayed close to each other in the waiting room. The time had come and we were standing in the hall when my daddy and a crowd of family and friends came out. The look on his face said it all. I recall I didn't fall to pieces, I couldn't at that point I had to be strong for my daddy. My daddy needed me.
We were all given a last chance to go see her at the hospital. I remember Adam, Austin and Donna ( I think), and I went in one last time. Telling her we love her and would miss her like crazy, one random heart beat came across the vital sign screen. Medically they will tell you that was just her nervous system. But I like to say she heard us.
No doubt in my mind that she is in a better place. Probably showing the Lord how to make a chocolate cake and some homemade jelly! :)
I remember going back to school and having an awesome group of friends show their love and support. It wasn't easy, espeically when this one guy stopped me in the hallway at school and said, " you killed her, you know that right?" I fell to pieces. I owe Rachel Lee and Hannah Dykes Durant the world. The love and support the showed me was the only thing that helped at school.
12 years later it still seems like yesterday. But 12 years later I have conquered the depression that I fell into for 2 1/2 years and have learned so much and realized so much.
I consider it to be a horrible blessing. I learned during that time that family is the most important. I am truly blessed to say that she was my grandmother. And I am truly blessed with a wonderful family. I often find myself wondering what she would say about certain things going on in my life or what she would think about Stephen.
I have in the past 12 years known people having to make the decision dad and I did. And my heart breaks for them because I know the pain they feel. Death is never easy to deal with but just in the past 4 years have I been able to attend a funeral.
So after this sad blog I have written, I want to wish Nanny a very speical birthday! I miss you and love you! I will see you again one day! 12 years later I can smile and think of all the good times we had. The funny stories and things we use to do. 12 years later I smile and Thank God for the bad situation that affected me, impacted me, and changed me.
She is the one who taught me how to live life and have fun. So this week as Thanksgiving approaches I will Thank God for the time I got to spend with her and for the little life lessons she taught me when I didn't even realize it.
12 years ago on November 17th the worst situation I have ever had to face happened. Nanny's ( my dad's mother) birthday is November 17th. She would have been 78 this year. Hard to believe that it is been 12 years since the accident.
November 17, 1999- I was a freshman in high school sitting in my biology class. I remember a lot of students were being called to the office about something they had done. I don't remember what but I remember thinking "I don't have anything to do with what is going on but boy do I wish I would be called out of class." I was so bored that morning. It was a Wednesday morning. Then I heard the office buzz in to the class I was in and ask my teacher to send me to the office. Immediately my heart fell, why was I being called up to the office? What had I done?
When I got to the office, Mrs. Crawford the school secretary told me to go back to my class get my belongs and that my parents, both of them, were on their way to get me. I knew immediately something was very wrong. I thought to myself and even said something to a friend when I got back in class and gathering my things, " It must be my great- grandmother. She hasn't been doing well." I remember as I turned the corner my parents came through those double doors with fear and panic written all over their face.
Nanny had been in a wreck and things were bad, really bad. At that moment, I remember crying and the whole world seem to stop. I remember the bell had rang for recess and people trying to talk but we literally were running to the car.
I remember moma dropped daddy and me off at the ER and we were quickly met by a male nurse telling us she was in emergency surgery due to head injury. We were given a bag with all her belongs to hang on too.
She had ran a stop sign that morning around 7 or so. A Jeep running 55 to 60 MPH hit her on her side of the car. Her head hitting the review mirror or the steering wheel.
I remember when Donna, my cousin, she is like my daddy's sister though , arrived. We all waited to hear what the doctor would say after surgery. We were so anxious to see Nanny. Please remember is was 14 years old approaching my 15th birthday less than two weeks from that day.
I remember us sitting at this round table. Mom, dad, Donna, me and the doctor. He was talking all jibberish until he said, "If it would have been my mother, I would not have done the surgery." Say WHAT?? Doc have you lost your mind?? Really? I remember getting so angry with him. He basically sat there and said he would just let her die. Due to the situation, after the surgery she was on life support for 72 hours, that was required before any decisions could be made about the next step.
We talked about a nursing home, which I had my hopes up that she would bounce back because if you knew Sybil nothing ever got her down. :) Full of Life!!!
I went to school the next two days. On Friday when I got to the hospital, Daddy took me to a little waiting room away from the ICU waiting room where everyone else was. We talked about the fact that she had always been so full of life and now she had no brain activity at all. She was in a complete veggiative state. Daddy asked if I had remembered her one request if something ever happened to her. And I sadly replied Yes, she never wanted to be on life support or hooked up to any machines. She didn't want to be that way she would rather just go on to be with the Lord.
With that being said, the doctor said that we had to make a decision. And as much as I can remember the doctor wouldn't take just daddy's decision but it had to be mine. Something about the closest relatives, since daddy was an only child. ( I think that's right). I just know we had to agree or the doctor wouldn't do anything.
For a 14 year old, your hardest decision should be what to wear to school for pictures, not to remove your grandmother from life support. Deep down I knew what she had always said. I even joked that she might haunt us if we didn't do what she wanted. But all joking aside, i fell to pieces knowing that I was gonna lose one of the closest people to me. I had spent every afternoon with her for years and had spent the night with her every other weekend for almost my whole life. And we had taken multiple road trips together. I still regret not taking the last she wanted though. I should have went but how was I to know what was ahead.
The next day was the day that the life support would be turned off. The staff and doctors at Flowers Hospital were awesome. Usually if you have someone in ICU you can only visit at certain times. Knowing the situation all nurses and doctors allowed us in freely and for as long as we wanted to stay. I went in and out but never could stay long. Because I wanted so bad for her to wake up and stick her tongue out at us and laugh. But I knew that wasn't going to happen. Daddy stayed by her side most of the day. Family and friends gathered for support.
I remember Adam, Austin and myself wouldn't hardly go in the unit. We stayed close to each other in the waiting room. The time had come and we were standing in the hall when my daddy and a crowd of family and friends came out. The look on his face said it all. I recall I didn't fall to pieces, I couldn't at that point I had to be strong for my daddy. My daddy needed me.
We were all given a last chance to go see her at the hospital. I remember Adam, Austin and Donna ( I think), and I went in one last time. Telling her we love her and would miss her like crazy, one random heart beat came across the vital sign screen. Medically they will tell you that was just her nervous system. But I like to say she heard us.
No doubt in my mind that she is in a better place. Probably showing the Lord how to make a chocolate cake and some homemade jelly! :)
I remember going back to school and having an awesome group of friends show their love and support. It wasn't easy, espeically when this one guy stopped me in the hallway at school and said, " you killed her, you know that right?" I fell to pieces. I owe Rachel Lee and Hannah Dykes Durant the world. The love and support the showed me was the only thing that helped at school.
12 years later it still seems like yesterday. But 12 years later I have conquered the depression that I fell into for 2 1/2 years and have learned so much and realized so much.
I consider it to be a horrible blessing. I learned during that time that family is the most important. I am truly blessed to say that she was my grandmother. And I am truly blessed with a wonderful family. I often find myself wondering what she would say about certain things going on in my life or what she would think about Stephen.
I have in the past 12 years known people having to make the decision dad and I did. And my heart breaks for them because I know the pain they feel. Death is never easy to deal with but just in the past 4 years have I been able to attend a funeral.
So after this sad blog I have written, I want to wish Nanny a very speical birthday! I miss you and love you! I will see you again one day! 12 years later I can smile and think of all the good times we had. The funny stories and things we use to do. 12 years later I smile and Thank God for the bad situation that affected me, impacted me, and changed me.
She is the one who taught me how to live life and have fun. So this week as Thanksgiving approaches I will Thank God for the time I got to spend with her and for the little life lessons she taught me when I didn't even realize it.
Tuesday, November 15, 2011
Turkey, Dressing and the Blessing
Seems just like a few weeks ago we were celebrating Thanksgiving and Christmas. But it is hard to believe that it has been a year. Someone made the statement about how crazy my calendar looks. Ha... I can't help it, it always looks that crazy around the holidays.
We are just over a week away from Thanksgiving. I couldn't be more excited this year. My festivities start this Friday by making the annual trip to the airport to get my uncle who always comes home for Thanksgiving. It's funny how little things like a trip to the airport puts you in the holiday spirit. I will bake goodies for Thanksgiving. Which reminds me I need to make a trip to the grocery store.
The holidays are a time to spend with loved ones. To enjoy each others company, to reminisce, to catch up with each other. Most everyone has a tradition for Thanksgiving and Christmas. It's always hard if something happens and you can't follow tradition. Everything then seems weird. haha... But it all happens for a reason.
This year I have noticed on Facebook that some people are telling one thing they are thankful for everyday. I thought about doing that but I have alot of catching up to do. I definitely wouldn't run out of things to be thankful for though.
What we should realize this Thanksgiving is that we should thank God everyday for not only the big things but the little things. The bad things and the good things. The silly things and the serious things. For EVERYTHING!
People tend to forget to say the blessing before eating the turkey and the dressing. But take time to say a blessing of the food but to Thank God for everything. Thanking God will result in blessings to you from Him.
So eat that turkey and dressing but don't forget the blessing. I pray God's blessing upon you will shine a light into someone else's heart.
Remember what you are thankful for this Thanksgiving and Give Thanks to God.
Happy Thanksgiving to All!
We are just over a week away from Thanksgiving. I couldn't be more excited this year. My festivities start this Friday by making the annual trip to the airport to get my uncle who always comes home for Thanksgiving. It's funny how little things like a trip to the airport puts you in the holiday spirit. I will bake goodies for Thanksgiving. Which reminds me I need to make a trip to the grocery store.
The holidays are a time to spend with loved ones. To enjoy each others company, to reminisce, to catch up with each other. Most everyone has a tradition for Thanksgiving and Christmas. It's always hard if something happens and you can't follow tradition. Everything then seems weird. haha... But it all happens for a reason.
This year I have noticed on Facebook that some people are telling one thing they are thankful for everyday. I thought about doing that but I have alot of catching up to do. I definitely wouldn't run out of things to be thankful for though.
What we should realize this Thanksgiving is that we should thank God everyday for not only the big things but the little things. The bad things and the good things. The silly things and the serious things. For EVERYTHING!
People tend to forget to say the blessing before eating the turkey and the dressing. But take time to say a blessing of the food but to Thank God for everything. Thanking God will result in blessings to you from Him.
So eat that turkey and dressing but don't forget the blessing. I pray God's blessing upon you will shine a light into someone else's heart.
Remember what you are thankful for this Thanksgiving and Give Thanks to God.
Happy Thanksgiving to All!
Monday, November 7, 2011
A Knock at my heart's door...
Really stepping out with faith on this blog. This is extremely the open heart of myself. Gotta get this out though...
To eat, breathe, and sleep it. Is it really worth it? Things tend to consume us and we don't even realize it. We realize when we are at our wits end and feel like falling apart. When the knock on our heart's door feels like a bang instead. So what do you do? I found myself crying out to God last night. Asking Him a million questions and just rambling to Him at times. Searching for answers, searching for what's next. Trying to do His job, trying to fix all in one night. Tears streamed my face while I asked why, streamed my face when I couldn't do anything else. Then all I could pray was for God to take complete control. Not partial, but 100% complete control. A total surrender to Him.
The weight is to heavy for us to carry a burden alone. Sometimes a burden seems twice as heavy when we think we can handle it on our own.
I sat here last asking questions and talking to God about things I should have done a long time ago. Searching for answers I should have been looking for a long time ago but I thought I could do it on my own.
Seems like I have thought that more than I should. I have let people and things get in the way of living my life the way God wants me too. The past few months have made me grow tremendously but I still have a lot of growing to do. Look back at how many times I have let God down and I hang my head in shame. But I am not perfect by no means and thank goodness He knows that. Thank goodness I am forgiven.
Things consume us so fast. All sorts of things, they vary from person to person. Anything from drugs, alcohol, to worrying about the perfect person for you or if you made the right decision. I am tired of being consumed by things that God will work out into His plan in due time and on His time. Not my time. Someone told me today that they think I have buried feelings so that I just won't feel them. And whether I wanted to hear that or not... I knew deep down that they were right. God has a way of using people to get His point across to you.
I remember that close relationship I had with God a few years back and that desire to have it again burns inside of me. I am slowly moving along in the right direction, changing things has they come along. I am learning that I can't be "big and bad" all the time and I can't bury my feelings deep down inside.
God started knocking on my hears door a few days ago, but I didn't pay much attention. By Sunday morning on my way to church, He was about to beat my door down. Literally crying on the way to church I began to say, "Ok, Lord, what is it that you want that I just ain't getting?" God spoke through the message at church yesterday morning. And has spoken abundantly today through various people. It's funny how God works. But at least he works to our favor. I still am not sure of what God is trying to get me to see and show me but eventually He will reveal it. So for now I will work on not burying my feelings and work on get the ones I have buried out. Good days and bad days lie ahead, but it is all how you look at them.
Yesterday made me realize just how far I have came along but just how much more further I have to go. I will take it day by day. Knowing that God is working on you and trying to show you gives me pure goosebumps... To know He loves me enough to have me in His plan his awesome in itself.
God continues to knock on my heart's door and He will one day show me. Until then... He knows what He is doing I gotta let Him run the show.
To eat, breathe, and sleep it. Is it really worth it? Things tend to consume us and we don't even realize it. We realize when we are at our wits end and feel like falling apart. When the knock on our heart's door feels like a bang instead. So what do you do? I found myself crying out to God last night. Asking Him a million questions and just rambling to Him at times. Searching for answers, searching for what's next. Trying to do His job, trying to fix all in one night. Tears streamed my face while I asked why, streamed my face when I couldn't do anything else. Then all I could pray was for God to take complete control. Not partial, but 100% complete control. A total surrender to Him.
The weight is to heavy for us to carry a burden alone. Sometimes a burden seems twice as heavy when we think we can handle it on our own.
I sat here last asking questions and talking to God about things I should have done a long time ago. Searching for answers I should have been looking for a long time ago but I thought I could do it on my own.
Seems like I have thought that more than I should. I have let people and things get in the way of living my life the way God wants me too. The past few months have made me grow tremendously but I still have a lot of growing to do. Look back at how many times I have let God down and I hang my head in shame. But I am not perfect by no means and thank goodness He knows that. Thank goodness I am forgiven.
Things consume us so fast. All sorts of things, they vary from person to person. Anything from drugs, alcohol, to worrying about the perfect person for you or if you made the right decision. I am tired of being consumed by things that God will work out into His plan in due time and on His time. Not my time. Someone told me today that they think I have buried feelings so that I just won't feel them. And whether I wanted to hear that or not... I knew deep down that they were right. God has a way of using people to get His point across to you.
I remember that close relationship I had with God a few years back and that desire to have it again burns inside of me. I am slowly moving along in the right direction, changing things has they come along. I am learning that I can't be "big and bad" all the time and I can't bury my feelings deep down inside.
God started knocking on my hears door a few days ago, but I didn't pay much attention. By Sunday morning on my way to church, He was about to beat my door down. Literally crying on the way to church I began to say, "Ok, Lord, what is it that you want that I just ain't getting?" God spoke through the message at church yesterday morning. And has spoken abundantly today through various people. It's funny how God works. But at least he works to our favor. I still am not sure of what God is trying to get me to see and show me but eventually He will reveal it. So for now I will work on not burying my feelings and work on get the ones I have buried out. Good days and bad days lie ahead, but it is all how you look at them.
Yesterday made me realize just how far I have came along but just how much more further I have to go. I will take it day by day. Knowing that God is working on you and trying to show you gives me pure goosebumps... To know He loves me enough to have me in His plan his awesome in itself.
God continues to knock on my heart's door and He will one day show me. Until then... He knows what He is doing I gotta let Him run the show.
Tuesday, November 1, 2011
Proud of where I come from....
For those of you that do not live local, the Wiregrass (Dothan area) lost a member of it's community on October 24, 2011 fighting a war overseas. I am not writing this blog to talk about whether you think it's right or wrong for the soldiers to be overseas. So don't comment if you think you want to voice your opinion. This blog post is about something much more serious than who is right and who is wrong.
Today I got in my car on my lunch break to run a few errands. My radio tuned in to a local station. The DJ said they would go commercial free and play songs in honor and in memory of a fallen solider. One solider that was a local. From a little town outside of Dothan. He was only 22 years old. I do not know him or his family but my heart breaks for them. I have prayed continuously for them all day for today was a tough day. As I was driving, the DJ announced that this solider had finally made it home. And a procession was about to start. I had heard a couple of days ago about this fallen solider on the news. But never did I think that the community would do what it did to pay such awesome respect to this solider and his family.
The community lined along the highways that the family and the funeral home vehicles would travel from the airport to the funeral home. American flags flying, signs held high, silent prayers be raised as the procession passed by. I listened intently with tears streaming down my face. Song after song played each one making me realize something different from the song before it. Tears continued as I thought to myself this is where I come from!
I come from a community, a part of this Country that cares for those that they have never seen and some will never see. I am proud to say this is where I come. Where respect is most important and others are just as important.
A friend of mine was standing along the highway and told me that the amount of people that turned out was just amazing. Photos show the support that the Wiregrass Community gave this fallen soldier's family today.
I am truly blessed to be able to say I am from the south and I am from a Wiregrass community!!! I wouldn't trade my small town life and ways for anything in this world. I am proud to say that this community that we (those of you reading that are locals) are apart of knows how to show the LOVE and make a someone feel the LOVE. Never did I imagine that many people would show. But once again, this small town living is awesome.
To the family and friends of this fallen soldier, my prayers are with you. I pray God wraps his lovely arms around you. Thank You to this fallen soldier for fighting to keep us safe back home.
We tend to forget how important these soldiers are... We get to wrapped up in what's right or what's wrong. For once just pay your respect to someone that was "just doing his job!" Besides if you were in their shoes wouldn't you want the same?
I am Proud of where I come from... South Alabama living is for me. Always has been and always will!
Today I got in my car on my lunch break to run a few errands. My radio tuned in to a local station. The DJ said they would go commercial free and play songs in honor and in memory of a fallen solider. One solider that was a local. From a little town outside of Dothan. He was only 22 years old. I do not know him or his family but my heart breaks for them. I have prayed continuously for them all day for today was a tough day. As I was driving, the DJ announced that this solider had finally made it home. And a procession was about to start. I had heard a couple of days ago about this fallen solider on the news. But never did I think that the community would do what it did to pay such awesome respect to this solider and his family.
The community lined along the highways that the family and the funeral home vehicles would travel from the airport to the funeral home. American flags flying, signs held high, silent prayers be raised as the procession passed by. I listened intently with tears streaming down my face. Song after song played each one making me realize something different from the song before it. Tears continued as I thought to myself this is where I come from!
I come from a community, a part of this Country that cares for those that they have never seen and some will never see. I am proud to say this is where I come. Where respect is most important and others are just as important.
A friend of mine was standing along the highway and told me that the amount of people that turned out was just amazing. Photos show the support that the Wiregrass Community gave this fallen soldier's family today.
I am truly blessed to be able to say I am from the south and I am from a Wiregrass community!!! I wouldn't trade my small town life and ways for anything in this world. I am proud to say that this community that we (those of you reading that are locals) are apart of knows how to show the LOVE and make a someone feel the LOVE. Never did I imagine that many people would show. But once again, this small town living is awesome.
To the family and friends of this fallen soldier, my prayers are with you. I pray God wraps his lovely arms around you. Thank You to this fallen soldier for fighting to keep us safe back home.
We tend to forget how important these soldiers are... We get to wrapped up in what's right or what's wrong. For once just pay your respect to someone that was "just doing his job!" Besides if you were in their shoes wouldn't you want the same?
I am Proud of where I come from... South Alabama living is for me. Always has been and always will!
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