A Knock at my heart's door...

Really stepping out with faith on this blog. This is extremely the open heart of myself. Gotta get this out though...

To eat, breathe, and sleep it. Is it really worth it? Things tend to consume us and we don't even realize it. We realize when we are at our wits end and feel like falling apart. When the knock on our heart's door feels like a bang instead. So what do you do? I found myself crying out to God last night. Asking Him a million questions and just rambling to Him at times. Searching for answers, searching for what's next. Trying to do His job, trying to fix all in one night. Tears streamed my face while I asked why, streamed my face when I couldn't do anything else. Then all I could pray was for God to take complete control. Not partial, but 100% complete control. A total surrender to Him.

The weight is to heavy for us to carry a burden alone. Sometimes a burden seems twice as heavy when we think we can handle it on our own.

I sat here last asking questions and talking to God about things I should have done a long time ago. Searching for answers I should have been looking for a long time ago but I thought I could do it on my own.

Seems like I have thought that more than I should. I have let people and things get in the way of  living my life the way God wants me too. The past few months have made me grow tremendously but I still have a lot of growing to do. Look back at how many times I have let God down and I hang my head in shame. But I am not perfect by no means and thank goodness He knows that. Thank goodness I am forgiven.

Things consume us so fast. All sorts of things, they vary from person to person. Anything from drugs, alcohol, to worrying about the perfect person for you or if you made the right decision. I am tired of being consumed by things that God will work out into His plan in due time and on His time. Not my time. Someone told me today that they think I have buried feelings so that I just won't feel them. And whether I wanted to hear that or not... I knew deep down that they were right. God has a way of using people to get His point across to you.

I remember that close relationship I had with God a few years back and that desire to have it again burns inside of me. I am slowly moving along in the right direction, changing things has they come along. I am learning that I can't be "big and bad" all the time and I can't bury my feelings deep down inside.

God started knocking on my hears door a few days ago, but I didn't pay much attention. By Sunday morning on my way to church, He was about to beat my door down. Literally crying on the way to church I began to say, "Ok, Lord, what is it that you want that I just ain't getting?" God spoke through the message at church yesterday morning. And has spoken abundantly today through various people. It's funny how God works. But at least he works to our favor. I still am not sure of what God is trying to get me to see and show me but eventually He will reveal it. So for now I will work on not burying my feelings and work on get the ones I have buried out. Good days and bad days lie ahead, but it is all how you look at them.

Yesterday made me realize just how far I have came along but just how much more further I have to go. I will take it day by day. Knowing that God is working on you and trying to show you gives me pure goosebumps... To know He loves me enough to have me in His plan his awesome in itself.

God continues to knock on my heart's door and He will one day show me. Until then... He knows what He is doing I gotta let Him run the show.